I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
