There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
