I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
