Michael Bay diarrhea
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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