Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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