I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
