So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
