I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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