I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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