I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize