then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
