She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
