My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
