Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my poor anus
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
