suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
