He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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