Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
