then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
