So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
