NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
