I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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