gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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