I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
