I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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