i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
