I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
