That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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