i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
