nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just found puke in my bra..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
