God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
