Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize