I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He has the fingertips of a God
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
