this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
