Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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