You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
