WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
