here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
