I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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