life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
