There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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