I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
