I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
