I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
