Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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