I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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