here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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