you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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