Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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