I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
