May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
