stop calling my apartment porn island.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
