I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
