the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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