someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
