Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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