So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
