Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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