Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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